Category: Fibromyalgia and all that it entails

The Storm

We’ve withstood a plethora of storms… The pain we endure daily would destroy some of the strongest people we know. Yet, somehow, we are able to continue on because our pain has become the norm. They can not see our pain unless we choose to reveal it. This takes strength. Allowing others to see behind our smile/mask takes an enormous amount of courage because many will disregard what they’re unable to see. So our words may fall on deaf ears. But we percivier, taking on each day as a new endeavor, hoping for an answer to what ails us. Due to all of this, we, in turn, do indeed become the Storm, determined to live the life we all are deserving of despite the pain of being misunderstood.

You are not alone… and neither am I!
💜 MJ Aragon

*I’d found these posters/metal art on Amazon (not a promotion). I am unsure of the author/artist.

Zero Empathy

What personality trait in people raises a red flag with you?

Instantly, I can feel out a persons true self no matter how determined they are in attempting to hide behind their facade. Liars are easy to spot and are, of course, high on my list. But someone who is unable to show empathy for another person or animal, I have no patience for, nor do I want them in my universe of those I consider friends and loved ones. Those types of people can suck the air out of a room with their stifling negativity, which is detrimental to anyone who dares to try and breathe said air. Please, do not give them your precious time or attention.

Ever Changing

Me, when it all began…

I haven’t had a chance to really just LIVE. I’ve thought about my life constantly, trying to figure out how to navigate through it, with each thing I’ve endured. Abuse (molestation/emotional), obstacles, disappointments, losses, and, of course, my illness. If I had known what was wrong with me long ago, from the beginning, things could have been different, I’m sure of that. Good different, who knows, but different none the less.
If I continued to look back, wishing that things could have turned out more positively, I would never enjoy anything. It’s been a long journey, but I’m learning to let the past stay where it is, little by little. That I can not change it, or the people involved. I can only forgive, accept, and find peace within myself. I’m not saying things won’t crop up occasionally. Of course, they will, and they do, but I can say that I am a better person for learning to let it all go.
This has taken me decades… I’m 48yrs old now, and I have no idea what kind of timeline I have left. I can only make the best of whatever it is and appreciate it. Finding the good that’s still there, making amends whenever needed, and enjoying the little things even more. Realizing that you can not change others. But you can change how you perceive them, and on occasion, that’s all you really need; just a new perspective.
I work hard on myself, my FWmnn, and my want to have good relationships with my loved ones.

On occasion, I’m overwhelmed, distracted, and just simply too tired and in pain, yet I still try to give it my best. In others’ eyes, that may not be enough. But we can not count on them to react the way we’d like. That’s just not practical, nor logical. None of us think or feel exactly alike, so expecting that from someone is just a letdown waiting to happen. I promise you.
So, all you can actually do is your BEST. That will have to be enough. Stop blaming yourself for everything. Each encounter you have has one or more personalities involved, and every outcome will be different. If you take that same conversation and replace just one personality, just one, then the outcome will never be the same. If you realize and accept this reasoning, you will find some relief and even some happiness.
You are responsible for yourself. If you know you are doing the right thing, have the resolution to stand by your decisions. We are all imperfect beings, so we all make mistakes. Spend less time pointing fingers and more time on improving yourself. You will be a happier “You,” even if no one else changes. I can tell you this from experience.
Love yourself first! Yes, as selfish as that sounds, it is the right thing to do. Then everything else will eventually fall into place; it will seem brighter, easier, and much more pleasant.

*On a side note,
I had just attended my Palm Springs High School 30yr Class Reunion. I was excited, yet having some trepidation, thinking I may be too overwhelmed by it all. I think I’ve healed my mind and soul so much that I had the confidence and courage to just be me. Needless to say, I enjoyed myself immensely. I had amazing conversations with old, as well as new friends I made that night. My Love Bill and I went with Mona; my best friend from high school, whom I have remained friends with over all of these years. I was lucky to have her in my life then, and even now. Never an argument nor disagreement between us, just friendship, love, and respect. We all enjoyed ourselves, and I’m so happy we went. Although I am still paying for it now. So damn tired and aching, but so worth it!

Enjoy life, in any way you can. We’ll never know when our last day is near, until that moment comes. Make your existence count, even if it’s in the smallest of ways.

You are not alone… and neither am I!
Love you all 💜💋 MJ
FIBRO WARRIOR, My New Normal
https://www.facebook.com/FIBROWarriorMNN/

“Imagination is Our Escape”

Over the years, I have watched a myriad of movies, and I’ve read a number of books as well. On occasion, I will choose one according to how I’m feeling; melancholy is often the case, but sometimes it’s happy, mad, or ultimately I’m just bored. Usually, it’s just simply something that’s caught my attention, so I engage. As my Improv instructor Michael Chain always says to us, “Read a book/watch a movie!”, with some exploitatives in between, haha! Yes, Mike, I will do it all more… promise! I’ve watched/read so many. They have all just seemed to meld together at this point.

I am drawn to dark, psychological thrillers, film noir, things of that nature, with some Stephen King and the like sprinkled in between. I’m not sure why, really. They just call out to me. I’ll also read autobiographical novels once in a great while, but what I enjoy most are period novels; by Jane Austen, for example, one of my favorites. They seem to pull me back into the past, to a time I’ll never know, but have found so indulgent over the years. I’ve even caught myself speaking the dialect; if I’ve read two or more, back to back, and chuckle at myself a bit, as I hear those words escape my lips for the first time. It’s interesting how impressionable we can be, isn’t it?

What is it about the unknown that’s so intriguing? Is it the fantasy of it all… just to be out of “our” reality, if only briefly? Our lives are filled with all things Fibro related, and as warriors, life can become so… mundane, and even repetitive. It’s no wonder we crave an escape on occasion, and a good book or movie can do just that, especially when you’re stuck in the house, more often than not. I do get out, mind you, but I’m disappointed all too often, by what I can no longer do. I used to be so incredibly active, pushing myself to the limits… and beyond! The happy, strong, funny MJ is still in there… underneath the cognitive fog, pain, and lethargy. She’s still having a go at it, trying to break free again! I desperately miss who I was once able to be. Yes, I do obscure the pain still, just not with the lust for life I once had. I feel that I disappoint others, as well as myself, often these days. The guilt of that weighs heavily on my mind, my soul… So, to get away from my self–inflicted guilt, I escape to another world through my books, movies, and even my dreams; I’m so often able to recall.

If I could read (almost) every day, I truly would, but my attention span doesn’t always allow for that. So watching a good movie fills in those gaps. Although, I still find myself hitting the rewind button all too often! Now, there was a time when music was my first go-to, and I’d sing! I’d sing until I my voice went hoarse! I love to sing, but now I don’t always feel I can, which makes me relate so reverently to a bird in a cage at times, whose lost its voice, from being locked up for far too long. My once sweet voice is likely to crack because I rarely use it these days… Fearing it will sound less than melodic as it once was, I don’t allow myself the joy as of late… but knowing the need to express myself through song, may very well take ahold of me again, I shall work my way slowly back to it… very slowly. The featured song on our podcast “Love Hurts” is mine, actually. I had written and recorded it in the mid nineties, but never finishing the song, unfortunately. A later tale I’ll share, and so this is a once and done recording. I’m happy that what I did record, gets some use, though, and is no longer just sitting in a drawer, collecting dust.
“Love Hurts“:
https://youtu.be/eKhIqpNYyQs

With these muses, my days are passed… while I’m not ultimately working on all things FWmnn, lately. It may not seem like much, I know, but I still find joy in life, and it’s the little things that make me happy. Your kindness, for instance… things you have said and written to me have all absolutely made my day, by the way, so thank you for that, truly!
I’ve never been one who has set out to seek fame or fortune. I’m good with being a private person. The quiet and solitude can be most comforting. I don’t need the expensive things, especially when I’m unable to acquire them myself… Oh, how I loved and valued my independence! Now, just some of the home comforts are all I need…

Love. Having love in my life is what keeps me content. I’ve had the world handed to me in the past, but turned it down… You’re wondering why, I suppose? I want/need to be loved… the way I love! And if that isn’t what’s on the table, I’ll pass. It doesn’t mean a thing to me, how nice the house, car, and clothes are… because if they knew me at all, it would be obvious I could care less about that. I’ve always valued companionship, filled with love, respect, loyalty, and (com)passion. Material things are temporary, frivilous, and empty. There are more priceless things in life… My family and friends are very important to me. Although I’ve never been the most reliable; not intentionally, of course. Having Fibro since my young teen years, kind of rules your world, and you have to bend to its mercy. It hurts my heart when/if I can not help or be present. So I do the best I can through writing. It’s my way of reaching out to you and letting you know that you are all important to me.

I may not ever write a novel, like the aforementioned Jane Austen… However, I am able to sit down and express the hopes and dreams that I think many of us are feeling but are too scared and/or unable to express. I will be your advocate, your strength, your voice. Just reach out to me, and I’ll help you in whatever way I am able. Being able to write to you, for you, is an absolute honor that I will continually cherish. Your trust in me does not go unnoticed.

So escape, into that other world…
A lil’ indulgence is important to keep our minds free of life’s clutter. Sweep away those cobwebs, and revel in imagination!

You are not alone! Love you all 💜💋 MJ
#FibromyalgiaAwareness
‘FIBRO WARRIOR, My New Normal‘
Facebook page, hub to all things FWmnn:
https://www.facebook.com/FIBROWarriorMNN/

It Will Not Define Me!

The room is spinning… I have come to know this particular feeling all too well. As I lay here alone, contemplating whether I’ll make it the twenty feet needed to reach my destination…. the place where everyone has once visited, on this formidable occasion. It compels me to exert every muscle in my torso, as I realize settling for the nearest receptical is all I can possibly muster. It’s disarming… I am completely without control. Something I do not savor, but have heeded to these past years. As quickly as it came on, it was done, although it felt like an eternity within the moment. I feel relieved, yet weak and spent. It’s a remarkable feeling of loneliness, emptiness, and helplessness. Just as I felt some fulfillment, It’s then ripped from my very soul…

That was life for me more often than not. I didn’t know what was really wrong with me back then. Just that I was constantly getting sick, and it was getting worse as the years went on. To go through the majority of your life, knowing something isn’t quite right, is not something you can explain to others. Your Dr’s aren’t telling you anything useful, so how can you make it clear to others around you; children, family, friends?

You start to isolate yourself on occasions, and always have trouble sleeping at night unlike everyone else you know. You have difficulties being a mom, doing mom duties, so people begin to think and believe you are a bad mom. How do you prove them wrong? When you can’t get out of bed to take your kid(s) to school on time, nor pick them up after school promptly. They even have to make themselves a bowl of cereal in the mornings. Because your internal clock is set to be up all night, which leaves you next to lifeless by morning. No matter how hard you try to be a good mom, you are met with an obsticle… an invisible obsticle no less, which you later discover is Fibromyalgia.

As the years go by, you are less and less able to be there for your children. You have to give in and allow them to live with their father and his girlfriend/wife, off and on over 10 years. From the outside looking in… that looks weak, careless, neglectful, less than motherly, and to your children it feels like abandonment! Although you’ve never truly abandoned them… You were always there to pick them up from their dads and drop them off once a week, spending entire summers with them, holidays, and birthdays… Only, you were no longer their #1!

But, once again you had them back, and while you were able to have them live with you (great job, great husband), super mom kicked in for awhile, and you’d received an award for you devotion to your children and their school. Then, your husband becomes very ill and dies due to a brain tumor (a year and 3 months later). Your world turns on its end, and you eventually have to let them go, you can’t function, and they are back at their dad’s house. You were close with them… only now you begin to miss out on everything involving them, because of the lack of communication, or none at all, with your ex. You hear about all of the nasty things being said about you while they are at their dads house from various people, including your own children. Even when you try to be the bigger person and not grill them about what they do while they are away from you; like you know is happening to them there… as well as trying to refrain from speaking ill of them (ex and ex’s wife), as they so often have about you. You are hoping they (your children) will remember that, as you try to keep your witts about you.

Imagining someday when they grow up, you’ll finally know what is truly wrong with you, and you’ll finally be able to explain it to them (your children)… but it takes almost your entire lifetime. They’ve now heard all of those not so wonderful things about you for years! How do you come back from that? You have to hear about how much better they are than you as parents… but if they were truly such great parents, they would have sheilded the children from those horrible words they spoke of you. Made excuses for you, so as to not upset the children, and tried to communicate more freely and peacefully. That is what a good parent would do. But no, that is not what they did, and you were always left to defend yourself against their pointed fingers and harsh words.
Fastforward a few more years… You finally get a diagnosis. All of the pain and suffering you’ve endured over the years can finally be explained! Only, you fear, and then find, that some; especially those against you (ex and ex’s wife)... really don’t want, nor seem to believe you. And once again, they say it in your childrens ears…

How do you come back from this! When the majority of your beloved childrens lives have been filled with so many untruths; out and out lies, How? I have just about lost, one of my children to these evil persons words, and my other child has grown into a wonderful, thoughtful man, whom takes the time to listen and understand me and my illness (Update: that has taken a turn, but hopefully this will be temporary). I don’t fully comprehend what happened… where it went wrong. The worst part is, he may be suffering like I have, with depression, arthritis, and possibly Fibro (if not now, maybe later). I wouldn’t wish this illness on anyone, especially my children! My other child, ha, when I talk with him, he only asks if he can get what I have; when I tell him I have been recently diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis (he already has Osteoarthritis I believe), and asks what other bad genes I may have passed on to him? Rarely does he ask how I’m doing, and when he does… I sugarcoat it like I’ve learnt to do with everyone, over the years. He’ll ask “Did you get a job yet?” Knowing full well, I can’t work and why. But of course there is that other not so lovely person (ex’s wife), telling him I’m not really sick, for her various ridiculous reasons. For example, because I wore heels and makeup to my sons wedding, that means I’m lying about my illness? We were sitting the entire time! Now had I needed to stand for a long while, or walk for a distance, heels would not have been worn, or I’d have had a back up pair of flats. We put makeup on to feel normal, it’s our mask(!) to hide behind, so as not to allow others to see our Fibro faces. Is there something wrong with this woman? Hasn’t she talked enough nonsense about me? But then, I have to realize, she’s like so many others… they just do not want to believe, out of their own ignorance, and there’s nothing you can really do about that!

My children will always be just that, my children! And like my eldest, I hope my youngest will grow up and realize that I did the best I could, throughout and after all I’ve been through since childhood… molestation, neglect, emotional abuse, divorce, losing my 2nd husband to a brain tumor (I’m sure I’ve forgotten some things), and of course being ill the entire time, and not knowing why!

My children do not really know me, well, my eldest and I are getting to know each other again, but I’ll always feel the need to have them both on the same page. Someday soon, I hope! But through all of that, I say this…
I will Not allow Fibromyalgia to define me!

This is most likely the face I make when someone doesn’t believe Fibromyalgia is real, or that I’m as sick as I say I am. Ha! If you could have only walked in my shoes… you wouldn’t be so smug. This is what we endure constantly! Fibro has taken so much out of me and from me… But, it will NOT define me!
I know you understand where I’m coming from. So…
Say it with me:
“Fibromyalgia will NOT define me!”
“I will NOT let others opinions and lies effect how I feel about myself!”
“I am here, I am truthful, and I am worth loving. I am in pain… I have Fibromyalgia!”

We cannot allow another’s ignorance towards our invisible illness, cause us to feel badly about ourselves. We are worth more than their mere words. Love yourself! You deserve it! And remember…

You are not alone! Love you all 💜💋 MJ

“The Purple haired FIBRO WARRIOR”
#FibromyalgiaAwareness
‘FIBRO WARRIOR, My New Normal’
https://www.facebook.com/FIBROWarriorMNN/

My Darkness…

Despite the title, this actually has a positive message.

I’ve struggled with depression almost my entire life. I’ve had to work so hard to stay in the sunlight and avoid the darkness, at all costs…

I am one of those unfortunate people who can not take antidepressants because they actually make me suicidal instead. I’ve hidden my depression from most everyone throughout my life, not wanting to hear the negative comments I’ve so often heard people say about others. Depression has always had a stigma attached to it, so who would want to reveal something that was damaging? Having pain on top of that since my early teens hasn’t made my road easy by any means. I’ve only recently (past 3-4yrs) allowed myself to be open about my depression/Fibro, as well as my multitude of other health issues. It’s been a long, lonely road… and because I know how truly awful it is to feel so alone, I go out of my way to try and help others to feel more loved and understood. It’s not an easy task to be any one of us here, and to walk in our shoes, of this I am certain. I’m very sensitive on occasions and could cry for the simplest of reasons, yet there’s other times when I know I should be crying, only I feel nothing, just emptiness. It’s such a roller-coaster of emotions!

Today was actually a very tough day for me… but my determination to stay here on this earth for my loved ones keeps me going. That darkness follows me everywhere, just waiting to take over. Not today! I have really amazing things I’m trying to accomplish now by helping others. That’s extremely important to me, so much so that I’m pushing myself harder than ever.

Here is a link to one of our podcasts, where I touch on depression, as well as other things that are connected to Fibromyalgia.

https://soundcloud.com/user-836634847/fibrowarrior-episode3-our-existence-with-guest-diane-schwitalla

Every day is a battle for me/us (FW) in some form or another, so taking it one day at a time is key. It’s either the allover pain that can just suddenly take your breath away… or the need to get up and start your day, but your body just doesn’t feel like cooperating… or, of course, the depression that sets in for some reason, and sometimes, for no reason at all... or the need to get anything mentally challenging done, but your brain is on strike…

I could go on… no, seriously, I could. And if you are one of my warriors reading this right now, I know you understand the struggles with living “life” one day at a time. There are no “making plans” in advance, because we have no idea how we’ll be feeling from one day to the next, so we miss out on so much, with our family, our friends. But I’m still fighting… fighting to live, fighting to laugh, fighting to love… and most of all, fighting to be heard! Hear me! I am not well, no, I’m not… but I am here, I am strong, and I am determined to spread #FibromyalgiaAwareness and to retain the belief that we will find a cure someday! I am a 47 year old (48 on March 10th), purple haired Fibro Warrior!

And to those who don’t/won’t/can’t understand me/us… They can love me or hate me. This is me, and I don’t plan on changing any time soon! You are my Fibro family, so remember…

You are not alone! Love you guys!

💜💋 MJ

You can find all things ‘FIBRO WARRIOR, My New Normal’ on our new Facebook page: @FIBROWarriorMNN, or contact us by email at: MJfibrowarrior@gmail.com

From left to right: (me) MJ Aragon – podcast host/blogger/vlogger, Tony Jefferies and Jojo Myricks – my producers, and Christy Ortiz – my (occasional) co-host.

My New Normal 

Hello, my fellow Fibro Warriors! The post below is what sparked my idea to write a blog, as well as record a podcast ( 3 already) and a vlog to come, all same name). I have Fibromyalgia, along with many other issues attached (like Rheumatoid arthritis, Osteoarthritis, Chronic pain, Migraines, PTSD, ADHD, severe Depression, Allergies-food/enviromental, Vertigo, Tinnitus, etc., the list is long), and I slowly began to share this with my friends on FB, only a few years ago. Just a lil’ at a time, because I wasn’t sure how well received it would be… worried that it might be a subject people wouldn’t care to hear about and/or that they may just stop following me altogether.

To my surprise, with each post, I received positive feedback, along with private messages, thanking me for sharing, how it helped them get a diagnosis, and how much they related to my story/journey. With each post I’d share a lil more, and this post I’m sharing today, is the one that lead the way to ‘FIBRO WARRIOR, My New Normal’, a podcast I began about 3 weeks ago, as well as this blog, and vlog to come. I have an amazing crew working with me! My Producers: Jojo Myricks and Tony Jefferies, (formerly) my Co-host: Christy Ortiz (has family and her own health to attend to), as well as myself, your Host. They are the most supportive and wonderful people, I truly couldn’t ask for more.

This is my journey, and I want to share it because it’s important for others like myself to know that “you are not alone!” You can also hear me read the post to follow on my ‘FIBRO WARRIOR, My New Normal’ podcast Episode #2 subtitled “My Inspiration” on SoundCloud Episode #1 “Pilot” is also available, and Episode #3 “Our Existence” is on its way.
https://soundcloud.com/user-836634847/fibrowarrior-my-new-normal-episode-2-my-inspiration

So here it is, the FB post that helped spark it all!

I’m having a great day today! You might ask yourself, “Why should we care?” Or “Is she bragging?” Oh, quite the contrary. I’m not on any great adventure, nor am I accomplishing some great feat… What I am doing, though, is feeling good about myself, which I don’t do often enough. When you’re dealing with pain, lethargy, depression, and cognitive issues on the daily, life just becomes one big blur, with each day just bleeding into the next. When I’m feeling up to the task, I try to do more than I should; then I inevitably pay for it over the following 3 days or so. It’s a vicious cycle that I’m all too familiar with. Today, though, I’m not going to overdo it… Instead, I’m going to take a moment to share a lil’ about my journey with an invisible illness. This may become lengthy, so if you’re not up for that, you should exit now. You’ve been warned...

Very frequently when you see me, I have a smile on my face; hiding whatever I may actually be feeling on the inside, while trying to enjoy myself, engage in conversations, and make that particular day/night have some meaning, which is not a small task for me. What most people do with ease, I now struggle with more often than not. I’m lucky if I can remember what was said to me a second ago, or if I can get the words out of my mouth, that seem to constantly get stuck in limbo amongst the clutter that is now my mind, or what’s left of it anyhow, and to think I was once fairly smart. I was actually made aware of this fact in 5th grade, when my teacher apologized to me… He had actively put me down and at the bottom reading level/group to make his point. I quickly surpassed all four levels/groups with ease, as well as completing six books/questions ahead of the class. When we received our S.A.T. scores (I believe), I ranked 4th year college level in reading and vocabulary. I was proud, and to my surprise, my teacher pulled me aside and apologized profusely for his injustices. I’ll never truly know why he treated me so poorly at first. Was it seeing a white girl with a Hispanic last name that may have rubbed him (my white teacher) the wrong way… just a theory, of course.

But I digress…

My point is that now I feel like that fifth grader before she discovered how smart she really was and whom always questioned her self-worth. I literally avoid conversations when I’m struggling with cognitive issues. So, if I’ve ever seemed distant, this is possibly why.
It’s difficult recalling how I was once a social butterfly during my 20-30s, putting myself out there and trying to stay in the moment. I miss that lighter, sarcastic, funny girl. Where has she gone, I often wonder? I was successful for the most part, staying positive, allowing myself to enjoy the sunlight and avoiding the “darkness” at all costs; a cloud that has relentlessly follwed me throughout life, and has given me more than my share of angst. But I was strong enough to push through it, not very gracefully at times and always with a few scars to remind me of where I’ve been. Still, I pushed myself to be happy, productive, and to be a good person, mom, sister, daughter, friend, as best I knew how. On the outside looking in, you may have interpreted it differently, and for that, I understand and apologize. Things haven’t exactly come easily for me, I’ve worked hard and pushed myself to my absolute limit! Always, always, an uphill battle for me.

Since 3rd grade on, I was constantly involved in some sort of sports or outside activity, unlike anyone else in my family. “She’s a bit of a tomboy,” they’d say. I developed early, though, so that wasn’t ideal for someone who does a lot of physical activities. The pain began somewhere between the ages of 12 and 14 yrs old (maybe younger), but still I stayed active. Initially, I thought it was growing pains, but my description varied greatly from my friends’ accounts. I didn’t have a close relationship growing up with my mom and pop (step, but still my pop), so I kept it to myself, mostly. Often thinking they’ll assume I’m trying to get out of my multitude of chores anyway. I was a kid, what did I know? Now, in hindsight, I realize I should have spoken with them, regardless of the outcome. But then, much like now, I’ve kept my pain to myself, not wanting to burden others.

Continuing on as a young adult, out on my own… I would eat healthy, worked out, didn’t smoke or try/do drugs, and if I drank, I had water in between drinks to stay hydrated, rarely having more than two. I’ve lived my life pretty healthily. But my body had other ideas in store for me, and no amount of determination on my part was going to deter my illness from wreaking havoc on my life. So, as you now know, Depression/Fibro took ahold of me at a very early age, so my teen years are not looked upon with much fondness, of course, nor my childhood for that matter. I’ve always felt a bit of a disconnect from my life/family/friends, as if I don’t belong here, and I always assumed I wouldn’t be long in this life…

It’s easy to go dark, when you’ve lived your life in pain, not wanting to share that darkness, knowing it will scare most people (away), and inevitably cause them to either feel sorry for you, or say that you’re weak and needy, amongst a host of other negative things I’ve heard/endured over the years. None of which you’d hope for, especially when so many of us are uninformed about illnesses like mine. I’ve become accustomed to these types of reactions, and I want you to know that I’m quite the opposite of “Weak!”because it takes a certain kind of personal strength, to acknowledge your obstacles and overcome them, over and over again. This cycle will never end for me, and my loved ones will have suffered the most because of this. Hence why I’ve chosen to keep them at arms length for the majority of my life. Their having to endure my ups and downs couldn’t have been easy either, not truly knowing what I’ve been living with internally/invisibly. It took me years to begin to share this struggle without worrying about what others may think. This is me! I have honestly done the absolute best I could, although it didn’t always appear that way, I’m aware. Through it all, I’ve learned one very important thing… to love myself first. Enough so, as to not be ashamed of what I have endured throughout my life… Fibromyalgia/Arthritis/Depression/ADHD, and the list continues. It took almost a lifetime to get my diagnosis for Fibro, which lead me to feel embarrassed and/or like a hypochondriac, as each Doctor (there were many) would tell me they couldn’t “See” or find anything wrong with me. I even gave up for awhile (~6yrs), and only when I lost the ability to hold down my job; because I was chronically sick with bronchitis for almost an entire year, did I go vigorously in search of an answer!

Finally, the relief and then subsequent disappointment I felt at the moment of my diagnosis…

“You have Fibromyalgia. There is no cure, so this will be a lifelong illness.” As I watched those words fall from my Doctor’s lips, my heart felt light, then it instantly took on the weight of a boulder. The words “No cure,” kept playing repeatedly in my head. My depression quickly overcame me. The next year of my life suddenly vanished before my very eyes. Oh, how sorry I am for checking out (in a sense), for letting it take me away from those I love. I didn’t want to do anything anymore. I kept getting bad news after bad, from each Dr I saw (11 or 12 in that one year). It was sucking the life out of me, and if it wasn’t for my love for Bill, my two sons, my family, I may have checked out completely. Who knows?

Fastforward, 6 years later… I’ve come a long way from then, researching and learning how to live in “my new normal.” So, “Today is a great day for me!” Because I can appreciate the sunlight, and my clouds, however briefly, have dissipated. I may not be able to show it always, but my loved ones mean the world to me! Thank you all for being in my life and showing me love through it all!

*Apologies for its length. Hopefully, my story will help someone out there in need. I’m here for you. You are not alone! Love you all 💜💋 MJ