Tag: stress

The Things I Really Want to Say

The things I really want to say or scream at the top of my lungs, rather (on occasion anyway), would scare away the mere novice. But, if you’re like me and have dealt with anything that has plagued you for nearly your entire life, a few expletives are expected. So, do you know what it’s like to always worry about everyone else’s feelings, aside from your own? I don’t mean every second, I’ve slipped at times and said what I felt, only to realize that I should have kept my lips sealed. Not everyone can handle the truth.

The rest of the time, you’re playing chicken with your truth because you don’t know how to explain what’s happening with you… to you, and that’s tricky when others are counting on you to be there for them. You try to be the best person you can, and hope that someday you’ll be honestly inderstood. Only that day never seems to come, and so you bury yourself beneath all that ails you. Knowing that they’ll never truly comprehend it, unless or until it has happened to them.

Pointless hours, days… years even, wasted, by keeping your real thoughts to yourself. Knowing you are a good person, standing behind this wall you’ve built, because no one understands you. Hell, it took nearly my lifetime to comprehend what was happening to me. Each month, year, decade… passing you by, with more of life’s “gifts” piling on, as you move through your maze; built for only the strong. Trust me.

Never realizing how strong you truly are until your fortitude has been tested over and over by those logs and boulders. No, not sticks and stones; that’s child’s play. I could have said, “Enough!” Many times in my life. I worried that I would someday and that my sons may have been the ones that found me… This was a huge reason that I pushed myself and pulled myself up out of the darkness. For my sons.
The best parts of me are in them. And I can only hope that the worst parts, i.e., my health, do not take over, Ever!

I wouldn’t wish this nightmare on even the worst enemy because no one deserves this. I want to protect them from this, from me, from the darkness. They truly have no clue as to the torture I’ve endured. I’m not saying others have not had it much worse; we all have our own forms, just to be clear, and my heart aches for those who do. But this hasn’t been a game, nor a fairytale, of that I’m certain.

The face I make when someone insinuates that I’m “faking” my illness…

To those that see my struggles and think, or say, that I’m weak… F*** You! I am STRONG, I am a WARRIOR, and you are the weak one, for thinking for a second that you’re better than me because you were lucky enough to have good health, physically and mentally. How narcissistic are you to think that better health makes you a better person. Or on the other spectrum, to simply deny that someone is having health problems because you “Can’t see them!” Genetics do not make you a good person. Your actions and thoughts do.

I am who I am because of my struggles, and no matter what anyone else thinks, I am proud of whom I’ve become, and although I wish I could have had a better childhood, a better life, better experiences… I wouldn’t change the person I am now. I’ve learned to have even more empathy, given and recieved more love, and I have learned valuable lessons that only a difficult life lived may give you. Honestly, I had never thought I would see forty years old… let alone 50, right around the corner next year. I’ve grown leaps and bounds recently, and even now; struggling as I am; I’ve been able to stay from beneath those clouds. The darkness that’s eternally waiting for me, just below the surface. I’ve healed my relationships with family, now waiting for the right opportunity to heal my most valued relationship(s). This will take time, I know, and I’m being patient; although it’s quite difficult.

If you’re like me… remember your worth! Value yourself, and not with the value that others have placed upon you; but with your own true self-taught virtues. You know they are there. You just have to look below the surface. You are stronger, brighter, priceless even. You are a WARRIOR, just like me. Together, we are indestructible!


You’re not alone… and neither am I!
Love you all 💜💋 MJ
https://www.facebook.com/FIBROWarriorMNN/

Fibro Warrior, my new normal

Childhoods Stolen

Mine, and quite possibly yours as well. And if so, you will relate, I imagine.

*Attention:
After I had originally written this, I later realized that my title would reflect a feeling of loss. Like we’ve all felt and are continuing to feel after these deadly school shootings. Although I am wrapped up in what’s happening with my health, it is not lost on me that this devastation has continued to weigh on our hearts and our minds. There are no words elegant enough to express my feelings on this matter, so I will only say this to those most intimately impacted by this horrific loss of lives, “My heart goes out to you and yours, for any loss is deeply felt; but the loss of a child, that is just simply unbearable…” And to everyone else, I say, “Choose love and peace, not hate and violence.“

Childhoods stolen in the flash of a moment… all of the wonderment, sunshine, and optimism whisked away, along with their innocence. Were we not worthy of an outstanding life? “Why?” We often wonder, “Why me?” Indeed. What we are unable to discern at such a tender age is that none of it was our doing. Yet, throughout life, we constantly blame ourselves. For not just one moment, but for all of it. Every single thing that happens. If you’re lucky enough, you will finally understand…

Ah, understanding. It’s a fickle thing, really. Just when you think you do, something slaps you in the face, quite out of nowhere. Eventually the clouds will begin to part a bit, and you will come to realize that there is still something missing; that final piece of the puzzle. Only it is out of your grasp, hidden away amongst the clutter. If only you could find it, “I know it’s around here somewhere?“, you think to yourself.
When (or if) that piece does finally materialize… there is a serenity that washes over you. A clarity above all else. After all of the suffering and self-loathing, you are finally able to love yourself. “Yes! I’m free!” But no, not really. That moment (or moments) in childhood will never allow you to be truly free, as your health has been dictated by that singular instance (or one of many). And although you may have recovered in multiple aspects, this illness borne from ugliness will forever infect you. How do we continue to cope when at every turn we are met with more anguish over the next impending health issue? One on top of the other. How do we endure?

I’m fighting, I’m being strong, I’m staying positive… but for how much longer? Not one, nor two, nor three, but now five added health issues in less than three months. One of which I’m worried will be bad news; may even be bone cancer (update: not cancer!), another is a possible stroke, another may be excessive brain damage (overlooked brain shear from old car accident), and a pending hysterectomy; done by my gyno or an Oncologist (update: also not cancer, so my gyno may proceed). For the finale last week, I found out that I have highly elevated liver values (almost 10× the normal), and after an ultrasound as well as a multitude of bloodtests, not a reason has surfaced as to why? So, off to yet another specialist I go. Overwhelmed doesn’t even begin to cover it! I’m ANGRY!!! Angry, I’ve tried so hard to live healthy and stay on this earth for my loved ones, only to be constantly bombarded by one thing after the next.
And worst of all… my children do not know any of this, nor care to, I feel. Who wouldn’t want to just give up? It’s a lot to stand up against. I haven’t, and I don’t plan to give in. But damn if the silence isn’t enticing. I don’t want for much, just a lil’ time with quiet consideration that stretches on for more than a month (if I’m lucky). Give me the mundane. Enough of this damn rollercoaster I’ve been on.

Keeping up with FWmnn has been difficult, and interactions with my fibro friends have been minimal. I’m struggling, and that means I have extremely low energy. I miss you all, and please know that I’m not ignoring any of you, I just need time to process. The waiting is the most difficult part, it seems. Once I know more, I will be able to share and explain. So for now, I’m around, yet in the shadows. I hope you all are doing better than I and that your pain is minimal. Sending big yet gentle hugs 💞
You are not alone… and neither am I!
Love you all 💜💋 MJ

“My Letter to You” 

My Dear Fellow Fibro Warriors…

“Darling, I am so sorry…”

•Yes “sorry“, we use this word too often, I’m aware. But I truly feel that way, when I’ve missed something, or someone’s cry for help. I try to remember everyone, and reach out when I can, but alas, I am only one person. So I miss things unintentionally, and then inevitably I feel terrible, when I’ve discovered that I have…

“I wanted to see what was going on with you? I know you and I are not the best of pals and that the distances between us are great, but please know that I’m here for you if you need a non-judgemental ear and/or shoulder.”

•That’s what we should do for each other, because not everyone will.

“No one shares their true selves on social media. It’s let’s “keep up with the Joneses,” or “one upping,” or just simply putting a “pretty mask” over what we are all really dealing with. I am a private person, and I have only recently been able to share the truth with everyone on my FWmnn podcasts/blogs. It is with much trepidation that I share some things, especially when it comes to my children. That’s the toughest and most heartbreaking thing to share. But I know that sharing those things, can help others, as well as allow them to see that I am true and trustworthy, because in this climate and social media nonsense, people feel more disconnected than ever!”

•Our truths shall set us free…

“I feel what you are going through; been there, and I can’t honesty say, I will never be there again because we just don’t really know what life will throw our way at any given moment. Life is a crap shoot, and we just have to figure out how to navigate through this rocky terrain.”

•During our journeys, there will be flat/straight roads, but we should be here for each other during all of them, especially the toughest terrains. That’s when those less experienced will fall to the wayside.

“I hope that you haven’t let those less than worthy people in your life have any more of an impact than they F’n deserve! You are YOU, and no one can understand your trials and tribulations more than we can. You have to be knee deep in the crap, before you could even begin to have a concept of what strength it truly takes, to pull yourself up and out. When after all, it would be so much easier to just give in or give up! On my darkest days… I have to WORK to stay present, to stay around for my loved ones, whether they believe me, believe in me, or not. It’s so tormenting to know that the ones you love the most could seemingly care less. We have to climb up and out every day because our illnesses, etc., tear us down and try to put us under every night. I know how strong you are, and not just as a “woman” or a “man“, but as a person, whom tries to take on the world, helping those they can, while trying to stay possitive, sane, happy… all by ourselves.”

•We all try so hard to be present. So be proud of yourselves!

“You are not alone. You are loved, and I am here for you, if and when you need me. Love and hugs to you all, my darlings!”

“FYI, please feel free to share this with anyone because I am not afraid to speak my mind, nor share my thoughts with others! Remember to…
Be open, feel free to cry when you need, and then be the strong people we know we are!” 💋 💜 MJ

•This was mostly a message I had sent to a friend the other day, who is struggling like we are. But after writing it, I realized that this is how I feel for, and about, all of you! So this letter/message is to all of my fellow Fibro Warriors, young, old, male, female, every race, religion, orientation, etc., I am here, I love you, and with open arms I embrace you. You are my family, and you are truly not alone! Love you all 💜💋MJ
#FibromyalgiaAwareness
FIBRO WARRIOR, My New Normal:
https://www.facebook.com/FIBROWarriorMNN/

Recieved the new canvas of my logo! 💜

Trying to Be Happy

Just trying to be Happy, that’s such a huge task to achieve! You’d think that being happy should come easily? It doesn’t… and the impact it has on you, and especially those around you, is immeasurable. You may spend your entire lifetime trying to accomplish it and pleasing others. Just when you think it is within your grasp, it gets ripped away by a tornado. Because all that can be seen in you is their disappointments. They are blinded by it! Because of that, they are unable to see nor appreciate how much you love them, have grown, changed, accomplished, throughout all of the obstacles thrown at you!

I, too, have been guilty of this, but the difference is… I‘m trying! I’m learning to see the good, and I’m trying to better MYSELF! I’ve had less support than some, and that means more effort has to be put into who I am. That makes me selfish in a sense, yes, but think of it this way… For example: when you’re on a flight, they give you safety instructions. One being, “Please put the oxygen mask on yourself before attempting to help others.” There’s a reason for that! Think about it… If you can’t breathe, then you will be unable to help anyone else! So, if you are unable to love and improve yourself, how can you give anything but disappointment to another? While you are still struggling with it all on your own!

So now, you are almost there. You’re feeling better about who you are, understanding what’s happened to you, around you, and why/how things turned out the way they have. It’s what some call “the Domino effect“, and what happens to our parent(s), will most likely have a direct impact on “us” their children, and then “you” on your children… and so on and so forth. Now, add your illness, how it manifested, and then you have the “Aha” moment! Everything becomes clearer. Life begins to move more smoothly. You can feel yourself healing, little by little. You feel like you’re reaching an understanding with at least one of your loved ones, if not more…

Then, the unexpected happens, and that Happy feeling turns Dark in an instant. Only the ones you love with all of your heart can have just such an impact on you. As much as you want them to know they are loved and supported beyond measure, you can not force them to understand it. They are still struggling with their own shortcomings, and you’re to blame. So you attempt to help them understand you, the struggles, the illness, family life growing up, and thus hoping that they will, in turn, understand themselves. Although you’ve tried to be and do your best, you had shortcomings as well. Your toolset wasn’t complete… it was missing several key components, important tools… and having good health was one of those major missing tools!

Finally, to your alarm and surprise, you’re told that basically, “It‘s all only about you. Nothing you say, nor do, will matter. It’s too late!” What!?!

Although they are right about some things… you stumbled, failed, faltered, mistepped, and were less than perfect. But you’ve tried your best! You kept trying, and you’re still trying! That should count for something because you are truly coming to grips with this crappy illness and the life you’ve been forced to lead. That you’re trying to be positive while also helping others, and thought that you were making them, your family, proud!

So, here’s the thing… It’s NEVER too late! Saying it’s too late means you’ve given up and/or that this person means nothing to you now. So what do you do? Do you believe them when they say it’s too late and just give up? Or do you continue to do what you’re doing… staying positive, finding purpose, and trying to help them see/feel the “Aha” moment you’ve come to experience?

Well, I’m going to continue on my journey, knowing I’m doing, and have done, the very best I could, with the cards I was dealt in life. And believe that I will help them to heal, feel better about themselves, and “Us” someday soon…

My heart is immense, strong, and open, but my health is an obstacle, in which I’m learning to contain, comprehend, and succumb to my will.
Stay strong with me, my fellow Fibro Warriors!

You are not alone! Love you all 💜💋 MJ
FIBRO WARRIOR, My New Normal
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Nocturnal Bliss 

Being nocturnal has its advantages. Like the serenity of knowing everyone else is asleep… it’s so quiet that I can hear the crackling of my now arthritis ridden neck. It harmoniously plays along with the light but constant ringing in my ears. Oh, how I appreciate the silence of night. Although I’ll never know the pure sound of still air ever again, I happily appreciate the absence of day to day noises during my sleepless nights. My Circadian rhythm is backward, and it always has been, so I’ve learned to take advantage of this small window of peacefulness.
Trying to sleep during the day has its disadvantages… always being awoken by someone else stirring throughout the house. What may seem normal to others can rip me from my precious few hours of sleep, leaving me with a headache on occasions. I can’t blame anyone really, it’s my issue, I should be used to it. But, I never truly am, and it can weigh on me.
The only thing that keeps me sane is my alone time… contemplating my wants for our future, needing to feel purposeful, and hoping that I can accomplish all that I hope to, before Fibro, Rheumatoid arthritis, etc., claim every second of my life. Right now, I’m as good as I can be considering, and I need to stay ahead of what’s waiting for me, for as long as I am still able to fight it. We are truly warriors… against our own bodies, yes, but that doesn’t make the fight any less important. We need to stay united in our struggle to spread awareness so that our lives won’t be filled with the usual drama of someone we know or love, leaving us feeling less than human. And most of all, to find a cure for this dammed disorder/disease/syndrome/illness, whatever you want to call it… it needs to be extinguished!
I choose to stay positive. Yes, it is a choice, yet not an easy one. I work hard at it. To the average person, I probably seem pretty upbeat, happy, and not sick at all. Little do they know what’s hiding underneath that smile. And that’s ok with me more often than not. Sure, it makes it more difficult for people to believe me, but I enjoy being treated like everyone else, instead of seeing the sorrowful faces that you’d get if they knew how awful you truly felt. I’m aware that not everyone feels that way about this… and that’s their choice, of course.
I know that being happy means I have to try everyday, to see the brightside of each diagnosis I receive, every flare day I endure, and any misconceptions someone may have as to how ill I actually am. I find that happiness deep down within myself when I wake up each day. It’s buried in the beyond… and it does take a moment to find, but I know what my day would look like on the other side of that coin if I didn’t.
So I get up, have my tea and a small bite to eat, take my medication(s), and start my day; by figuring out what I could do today, to help someone else. Someone who has just received their diagnosis, for example. I recall vividly how hard that day and coming months were… and if I could just take some of that pain away for them, then I’ve accomplished something good!
I think about each thing we share… the podcast/blog/vlog and occasional articles on our Facebook page, and how it may enlighten and ultimately help another family member of a Fibro sufferer, but most of all how it can allow our fellow Fibro Warriors to feel understood, loved, and less alone. This is what drives me! I have never felt this proud of myself. Can I say that without sounding narcissistic?
Seriously, having the amazing crew that I have with me is why I’m able to see this journey through! To help others and spread Fibromyalgia awareness is my purpose. If we can make one person a day smile, one person a day feel understood, one person a day feel loved, then we are doing this right!
Every day, I’m consumed by this need, and when I’m feeling less than ok, I worry that I may fail someone. I know that’s a lot of pressure to put on myself, but I’m unable to let myself fail… not in this!
So maybe this is why I’m so comfortable in my “Nocturnal Bliss”, because I’m free from the stress of my (late) days, able to indulge in a good movie or book, and even write a blog if I’d like, uninterrupted and carefree, for the moment. See, you can find the positive in anything, if you really want to. Good morning for you, goodnight for me!
You are not alone! Love you all 💜💋MJ
#FibromyalgiaAwareness
FIBRO Warrior, My New Normal:
https://www.facebook.com/FIBROWarriorMNN/